In the House of the Lord...

(this posting is somewhat heavy .... and religious)

Ever since our church moved into the mobile mode, I've felt weird going on Sunday, because it's held in a hotel ballroom. I can't shake the feeling of going to a wedding or a convention of some sort.

Yesterday, I woke up early in the morning, drove to the service, walked in as usual, and sat down. But after the worship, 10 min. into the pastor's preaching (based on Cain's story apparently), I felt very uncomfortable. I said a quick prayer yet that did not calm me down. I felt like a "wolf" amongst a flock of sheep, no, I don't mean that I am harmful, but that I don't "belong".

I have been experiencing this for some time now, my spiritual walk has really hit the valley floor. To the point that I felt uncomfortable to see my small group members or church friends, because I will feel guilty if they ask "how come we haven't seen you for a while?" Especially after last summer's short term mission experience, I feel particularly vulnerable to these spiritual lows. Because from the bottom of my heart, I know that I am a believer and that I always will. But I felt like a little child who has done wrong, and is dreading to face the big "Daddy" - my hearvenly Father.

I recall 3 period of times in my life when my spiritual walk has faltered like this: Sophomore year, 2001, and 2 years ago. I think I truly understand the term "spiritual" strength now. My belief in the Lord has always been the foundation of my value system, God has been the true North star guiding me in my life. However little I want to admit that I involve the Lord in my daily life, but He's definitely there, and His teachings I have been influenced with. Then how can I feel uncomfortable in the house of the Lord?

I said a quick prayer, and listened to the sermon but I just couldn't focus and concentrate, I felt agitated and restless. Finally, I left the service half way through the sermon (sorry Pastor Dave). I think I am truly starting to comprehend the term "spiritual warfare". I just couldn't sit there a minute longer, when my heart is not pure and my ears not receptive to God's teachings, my worldly self is rejecting everything I hear, and I am struggling within.

dear friends, if you are a Christian, please please pray for me, not for any worldly things, but please pray for my spiritual health, that my walk with God will return to normal, and that I will quickly come out of this spiritual "ditch". My life feels wrong when I've lost my North star, my true spiritual guidance.... Please pray that the almight heavenly Father will lift me up and refill me with the spiritual strength and Joy! (Amen.)