Christian fellowship

I noticed that GrX people really like the song "Marvelous Light" because they sing it during SG and services a lot. This happens to be one of my favourite Christian songs as well, especially the chorus part, it always touches my heart whenever I hear it:

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that i have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

It's already been 6 weeks since fall launch started, yet I am still SG-less. This past weekend I asked myself why? what is it that I am looking for? And the answer came to me during my weaker moments. I caught a cold last weekend, which rendered me both physically and emotionally weak. As I lay in bed last night, drained from the week of off-site training and Halloween weekend fiascals, I really wanted to talk to someone, about some current personal struggles. Then it occured to me that during times of need, the first few people that came to mind are not my Christian friends from church. This is extremely bothersome because I wanted to establish more solid Christian friendships where I can turn to them and share my burdens as well as praises. Yet scrolling through my phone list, I didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to anyone, neither am I confident that anyone would bother/want to listen to me. There are a few people I talk to on a regular basis, but mostly it's about their problems, other people's situations; like in a study group, we try to learn from each other and through other people's examples. But I think I have this "glass wall" within me that prevents me from opening up to them in the other direction!

I took a few hours off this morning due to physical fatigue, and really prayed to God calling out for help. I am so glad that I still have some non-Christian friends I can trust and fall back upon. But where do I begin to build the Christian fellowship and community of support? That is what I was hoping for in a close-knit small group community. I feel so alone some times during my spiritual journey, and am so in need of spiritual encouragement and discipleship. I came to the realization that I am not as strong as I thought I was, and deep inside, everyone has their own "broken moments". It's during those down times when true friendship and fellowship comes through.

Listening to the "All In" message during Sunday service, it striked a cord with the biggest lesson I learned over the summer, about taking risks and putting all concerns behind and go "All In" with our precious, in our case, it's time! Maybe I should be more pro-active in first learn to care for others, maybe I need to take a step forward and be more trusting, maybe I should take the initial risk in opening up to others, maybe God will answer my prayers and speak to me through other pious Christian friends... I wish I could feel the enlightenment I felt during my summer missions trip again!