Art of Sorry

Caught this on NPR "Talk of the Nation" show today, the "art of sorry"... You can hear the Podcast online, and there's also a blog entry written with comments from readers, some pasted below:

Scusi, Sorry, Pardon, and Other Ways to Channel Patsy Cline, sorry, Brenda Lee

Filed under: Deep Thoughts

If you haven't had to eat humble pie at least once in your life ... well, we just don't believe you. But it's a sure bet that whether you've done anything for which you need pardoning (one time I did, back in the winter of '82), you've most likely been on the receiving end of some good old fashioned apologizing. Here are a few apology genres it's best to stay away from.

1) "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." We discussed in the morning meeting today the merits of "if" vs. "that," and decided that "if" was much, much worse. (In general, stay away from conjunctions and pronouns in an apology: ifs, ands, and buts, can really ruin a good thing.)

2) "I'm sorry, but I'm just built that way." Which is really just a fancy way of saying, "I don't do apologies. Wanna bet on it?"

3) "Sincere regret." What is it about regret that sounds the least sincere of all? Also under discussion in our morning meeting -- the importance of actually saying the word "sorry." Regret seems somehow paler then its sorry cousins; it's a feeling, rather then a state of being. Depending on the offense, your best bet is to just dig in and get abject; and "abject regret" sounds like something written by lawyers and/or publicists. (And you know what? You should probably try like heck to get it right the first time.)

Anyway, please comment on worst/best apologies you've received (or -- gasp! --given), and get warmed up for our show on the art of the apology today.

-- Barrie Hardymon

Comment also pasted below:
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After an inane argument about whether the Olympics would be good for Chicago or not, my wife told me that she felt completely unheard and invalidated by my steamrollering her with my reasoned arguments. I felt bad that I'd discounted her point of view, but I also felt confused about how I should handle such discussions in the future. I'm sorry, I told her. I didn't mean to make you feel your ideas weren't worth as much as mine. I think I may have been okay to that point, and then I added, "Would you rather I just agree with you in the future?" Ouch. She told me that she could feel her anger burn when I said that. I learned (again) that it's important, when trying to respond to someone else's feelings, to take the time to make clear that's all I'm intending to do. Don't mix the moment of listening to someone with making a point for how I see the world, nor mix an apology with an explanation, like "what else could I have done?"

Sent by Stanley | 3:23 PM ET | 03-08-2007